In an ongoing series, I've Never Told Anyone This But... we encourage women to share an intimate secret with the intention of stripping away the shame of being a human and normalizing what we secretly fear is unique to us.
Today, it's "Amy," a 21-year-old polyamorous bartender from Adelaide.
I've Never Told Anyone This, But… I've never climaxed with a partner
Q: Why do you think you haven't told anyone this?
A: Honestly, I think it's a bit strange I haven't. I'm incredibly open with my sexuality and my preferences so whenever I'm asked for advice it's pretty freely given. I think it's mostly been because no one really asks or talks about it much. It's kinda seen as a shortcoming on our end if we can't climax during sex. And it's also kinda hard to instruct someone on it, sometimes what works for you might not work if a partner does it. It just doesn’t come up.
Q: When did it first occur to you that you weren't climaxing during sex?
A: It's a bit funny, I had a partner who claimed that they couldn't climax. I'm never one to back away from a challenge so I gave it my best shot and… yeah, I did it. It genuinely surprised them, and they started to really enjoy sex and not feel like they were there for someone else's pleasure. I've never been one to really centre my own pleasure in sex, it's not really what I do. At that moment, I realised that something was up. Almost immediately there was this kind of shame that hit me, as if I was responsible for that or that I wasn’t trying hard enough or doing it correctly. If it had been so easy to make someone else climax why was it so difficult for me?
Q: What did you try from there?
A: Like almost anyone in that situation I started googling, trying to find any resources or anything that could help me. It just comes up with a bunch of positions to try and things to make it easier. The smartest piece of advice I got was that not all of us can really climax from just vaginal stimulation. Sometimes it's just clitoral, sometimes it's both, and sometimes it’s a whole other range of things. But the most progress comes, obviously, from actually talking to my partners. I won't lie and say it was smooth sailing from there, it took and is still taking a lot of trial and error. There are toys that can assist, especially for partners with bad wrists or just aren't as coordinated with their fingers, but I found the most reliable method was working on foreplay.
Q: What do you wish you could tell other Women?
A: The biggest hurdle for me to get over was the shame of actually communicating. Of sitting down with my partners and asking if we could make an attempt at this. It was strange for me of all people as well, someone who people came to for advice and was usually so unafraid of these topics. It felt really awkward at first, especially with the reputation I'd given myself, but it is so worth it. Even if the results weren’t instantaneous, it was good to feel like I was communicating better with people I cared about. Also, I was reading some of your resources before this and it really seems like oral works for most of us so… yeah give that a try.
Q: What have you learnt about yourself
A: That I need to be that annoying person in conversations with my friends that asks if their partners make them climax. Why aren't we asking this more? Also, asking someone if they've climaxed is the biggest turn-off. Very stressful, don't do that, we'll let you know.
Q: Any other tips and tricks for partners?
A: Yes! It’s going to be very trial and error, you are going to get it wrong a few times. And don’t take that as a challenge, you have to be so willing to get it wrong because otherwise, the pressure falls back on us. A lot of people who struggle with this are going to need as minimal stress as possible to make it work, so be okay with the idea of being wrong. Also, maybe this is just personal preference but set the mood. I found it took me a lot longer to get into the experience than my partners, and while there’s not always the time to go the whole nine yards with it a good playlist and a comfortable environment free of too much stress works.
Q: And lastly, why do you think understanding all of this is important?
I think a lot of people like me kinda devalued how important an orgasm can be in sex; for enjoyment, and also just getting a chance to enjoy our bodies. Also! Period sex. Orgasms are basically pain relief. I also believe that it creates a much closer bond with your partners. Not that this is in any way pressure to make your partners orgasm, but both the experience of communicating openly and talking about it and the orgasm itself are important.